My Tears

My tears are not under my control. They have become entitled and act as if they own themselves.  Ever vigilant, they wait patiently, collectively ready to burst forth.   Like a sly little army, they can quietly build an unbalanced liquid wall that inevitably tumbles down my cheek in any given situation.    

You could find me tearing up (or straight-up crying) at my children’s piano recital, over a handmade card, while singing at church, on my couch during a commercial, while laughing, or any other time where emotions could possibly be felt.  

I see them now a bit like I see my children – as much a part of me as they could possibly be, from my own body, yet with a will of their own.

Although my tears can appear at any given moment, for any given reason – I want you to know that I rarely cry truly sad or mad tears.   (To be honest, I know that if I start those kinds of tears, they won’t stop easily).  I have seen dark days, but my life is largely filled with hope and contentment.   

My tears appear because of the Beautiful, Meaningful, or Worshipful.  Because My-Heart-Hurts-For-You-and-With-You.  Because of the Gentle or Joyful.  

I am painfully aware that my tender heart empties tears so it can continue to beat and feel and share and not harden.

The tears I cry now are a consequence, a privilege even, a prize won after contending with the overpowering tears of grief and fear. 

Because I have experienced my own deep hurt and I work in an environment which catapults families into horrible nightmares of the unknown, the natural empathy with which I was born magnifies and translates into an acute sensitivity to what is Good.  To Small Graces.  I bear witness of Blessings big and small. 

My tears the tangible reminder that there is love, joy, goodness, peace in the midst of a troubled world full of heartbreak, loneliness, and suffering.

My tears used to embarrass me, but I no longer fight with them.   They come unannounced and unassuming.  Although I am at their mercy,  I embrace them. For they are a signal.  

          Pay Attention!

          This is Important!

         This is Worthwhile!

         This is Beauty!

         This is God speaking to you…

I will cry for commercials, yes.  (I’m an easy target, and I don’t care how much or how often my kids and husband laugh. Those commercials are made to be sweet and sad, and they ARE, and I FEEL it).   But I will also share your hurt, your joy, your struggle, my joy, and (if it’s safe enough) my own hurt, and my own hopes with my tears.

Beautiful depth-of-my-heart tears make me simultaneously vulnerable and invincible.  Once they are loose, I cannot hide.  Yet they fortify me, as they point me to observing God at work.