Legoland of Crumbs

I’m spinning around.   

Not satisfied with what’s going on.

I am so conditioned to URGENCY.  This MUST DO IT NOW mentality.  PLAN THE DAY! 

FIT IT ALL IN! YOU CAN DO IT ALL!  Without this PRESSURE, I sometimes start to spin. 

And I know I’ll stop spinning eventually, but I wonder – who can I call who may understand? 

To just take a deep breath with and check in with and be told that unproductive days are okay?

That being home and letting kids do kid things is okay?

That my front door isn’t getting painted, I don’t know which floor to put in the hideous kitchen (and I have no intention to even think about it for a while) is okay?

That making dinner and unloading the dishwasher and simply keeping children alive may be my biggest accomplishment today is okay?

This, naturally, is where I just want to call my mom. 

And then the swallowing of that pit in my stomach.  The deep breath and pressed eyes to PHYSICALLY hold back the tears.   Because I can’t.   And I cannot live life like that... wishing.   THAT is why I cannot think about her too much. 

Because, on certain days, it can still can be TOO painful. On days I need her most, those are the days where I can’t need her at all.  I’ll fall apart.

At work, I’ve helped keep people alive.  Or at least I helped them stay safe through a night of pain or confusion.  Here, I look at one floor covered in legos, the other covered with crumbs and dropped strawberries, and I feel lost.

Helpless.  Purposeless.  

I know the only way to stop my spinning is to go to God. 

So I do.  And I look to His character and His love.  I pray for His purposes for me.   And I do wonder what IS my purpose, what AM I here for?  What am I being prepared for?  

(And thank you, God, for not caring that my prayers end in prepositions).

Then the deep breath. The peace. The awareness that right now --THIS.

This legoland of crumbs is my purpose today and it is okay.