2011 - Miscarriage

2011 - Miscarriage

Four times last night, I dreamt that glass broke and then was given to me. It was so bizarre, that even in one dream I questioned, “Why does this keep happening?”

As with most people, I have trouble recalling any specifics of a dream – but wake with a vague recollection of the situation, people, and place.  (If there are specifics, they are sure to not make any sense if I dare try to explain). 

And this morning, unable to recall the details, the broken glass dreams stayed with me. The feel of it shattered in my hands… the repetition.  Two glasses. A vase. A crystal bowl.

After coffee, but before tending to my children for the morning, I searched “the meaning of broken glass in dreams” …

To see broken glass in your dream suggests something you thought would last a long time will end surprisingly and too soon.

Well, that makes sense.

I got pregnant easily, and to be quite honest – unexpectedly.

I told a handful of people.  It didn't feel quite real.

The midwife condescendingly asked why I was so surprised that I got pregnant.  She gave me the look that she probably had given at least a thousand pregnant teenagers.  She joked that my middle name should be Myrtle.  She made me feel bad - the married for thirteen years mother of two - because I was honest that this was unplanned.

I asked for an ultrasound. To see it growing there – to make it real.   She gave me an appointment for a week later. 

It is scheduled for tomorrow.

Instead of confirming my pregnancy, I think it will be confirming a miscarriage.  

I’m writing this only because I assume I will forget what this feels like.  I will forget and not be able to adequately describe it.  I may not talk about it much.  And even if I do, and God forbid, if it ever happens to you – I want you to know what it was like for me.  Whether this is or isn’t the same as what other people go through, is beside the point.

 I guess I just want to write it down so I have record of it, and so you do too.  I know my own mother had a miscarriage between my brother and sister – but that’s all I know.  I have no details of how far along she was, how she felt, how long it took to get pregnant again.

It’s so early, that I’m not attached to this child.  I know that sounds awful to admit – but I’m not.  What is awful is the fact that I had a baby growing in me two days ago, and now I am bleeding. Slowly, purposefully, and just a bit painfully.  

There is an absurdity to my life today. I was having a playdate in the park with friends and sunshine beaming all around me.  Our kids all playing so nicely together, while something inside me – literally – dies.

The fact of what is happening is sad.

I’m not sad that it’s happening to me, or to the baby – Lord knows there is a reason for it and I completely am at peace with that. 

I’m just sad that it had to happen at all.

To anyone. Ever.

I’m sad that sometimes things are so unperfect - that death is the better alternative.

And I’m sad that it has to happen in my body.

I have the ultrasound tomorrow. 

[The ultrasound confirmed a miscarriage. I got pregnant again the following year and had our third].