Kindergarten Aches

My heart is off balance.  

You'd think I'd be elated!  TWO of you in school!   I mean, how many times have I said "If I knew then what I know now ... how EASY it is to take just ONE kid somewhere..." ?  

And here I am.   With one kid again.    

You two started school today and I'm lost.  I did some cleaning, I ate some nutella.  I drank an extra cup of coffee.  I returned something to the mall that I bought in FEBRUARY (7 months ago).  

Maybe it's because we just got back from the beach. (Favorite place on earth).  
Maybe it's because for six years I've had at least two children almost constantly by my side. 
Maybe it's because I was so happy how I quickly figured out that balancing three again when summer started was not easy, but doable - and now with only one, I'm off balance again and that effort is making my heart achy. 

I know I'll find a new normal soon.  But you two were so little and so young for so long.  And I was the mother with little kids for SO long.  And I know I still have one at home.  But you guys are like my work.  My art.  My purpose.  

But this is Life, yes?    My one constant is Change.  

This motherhood thing isn't easy.  Even when your two oldest kids are in school and you have the freedom to sit at the computer and write about your feelings  -  it's not easy.   

I don't want to forget that I yelled at you this summer.  I was frustrated and our house was NEVER clean or picked up or even remotely close to perfect.   I sent you outside, to your rooms, and just AWAY from me.  I was not the perfectly patient loving-every-minute-of-you-all-hanging-all-over-me mom.  For the next nine months I will only have to carry ONE drink and ONE snack and deal with ONE mouth and only TWO hands.  

But I will still miss both of you.   I'll miss your company and your creativity.  Your voices and your hearts nearby.  

I don't want you to think (and I don't want to think) that I'll look back on these years and not realize or acknowledge the frustrations and the tiredness.   I will not miss your fighting, whining, anger and crying. 

   To me, this is one of the great mysteries about life:  How the good and the bad of raising children go hand in hand and somehow it doesn't balance into nothing, but it adds up and equals something great.    My children are no longer babies.   And maybe more than anything, I'm not so sad about you starting school as that I'm sad about this chapter of my life being over.   
Funny thing is, I don't want it back!   I just want to tell you how my heart misses you.  That each new phase/chapter/season's transition time isn't easy for me.   And just as we go to a memorial to remember,  I wanted to write this so you know that this year, school starting was hard for me.  
Before long, I'm sure we'll have it all figured out.  But until then, I may hold your hand a little longer, squeeze you a little tighter, and kiss you a little more often.   

xo,
mom