Too Nice to No

Discussing friendship, I gently probe, trying to get at the heart of the issue.   I ask questions, offer suggestions, even try role playing.   Finally, exasperated, she says “But I’m too nice to say no!”

Well.   Isn’t that insightful?   My little eight year old has figured out, in her young age, in her own words, she is a people pleaser.

Sitting at the breakfast table, unassuming in our pajamas, we have struck life-lesson gold.

  

Let me clarify:  My daughter has no problem saying no to me.  She has no problem bossing around her brothers. In the security of unconditional love, she asserts herself with ease. 

Even her dad will run smack into a foot stomping no every once in a while. 

Like any mother does, I blame myself.   Since she was little, I've encouraged her to think of others first. Think of their feelings, try to be nice, don’t be selfish.  As the oldest myself, I should know better.  I have demanded too much of her and often disciplined when I didn't get it. 

I consider her natural thoughtfulness, her innate gentle and caring ways.  Born little and sweet, she has always been a joy. She is a gift.  

I've encouraged my daughter to lean into her natural tendency to defer.  Because it doesn't really matter who plays what, who sits next to whom, or who is in charge.  Just enjoy being together and play with your friends!

Nature and nurture synergy.  

When kids are little, a mom’s influence wraps around every part of her children’s lives.  When it comes to playing, we make them take turns, show them how to share, say things like Everyone gets to be the Queen! and OneTwoThree:Switch!   

Eventually, thank God, they learn to play on their own.  Thrilled, we grant independence and before long, we shove them out the door and find ourselves now saying things like Work it Out! (And maybe even throw in an honest I don’t Care! or Go Back Outside!)

Like letting them brush their own teeth, it’s only when the dentist calls you over to see all the food hanging out by their gums, you realize maybe he isn’t actually old enough to do this all by himself.  One fastidious child is reliably Up-Down-All-Arounding , while the other is actually just staring in the mirror, sucking the toothpaste off his toothbrush for two minutes, before calling it a day.  Parental supervision is still necessary.

So how does a parent teach a self-proclaimed pushover to stand up for herself?  Like most mothers, I have no idea what I’m actually doing.  I start by asking more questions.   

Do you ever want to say no?  Do you feel like you SHOULD say no?  Do you ever wish you said no?

My mom-alarm is ringing. At eight, not saying no means she continues to be The Dog every time they play pet shop at recess.   At 15, not being able to stand up for herself has altogether different consequences.    

Teenage risk taking aside, how many times, as an adult,  have I felt the cringe of wanting to say no or the panic of needing to say no?  How many times have I heard nearly identical ‘I’m too nice to say no’ declarations from women five times her age?

More questions.  Do you think only mean people say No?   Do friends ever get mad at each other?  Is being nice the same as being a good friend? 

I don’t want my daughter assuming friendship is one sided and that she’s being a good friend by keeping up a facade. 

I want her to recognize when she consistently feels a subtle but painful sting saying no brings.  Each sting small and harmless, and even harder to acknowledge — but a deep unhealthy wound develops in what she assumes is a good friendship. 

It’s not our job to “fix” bold and controlling friends, young or old.  But responsibility lies in identifying a friendship built on nothing more than the shifting sand of subjective niceties. 

Accumulating unsaid No’s is destructive and dishonest.   Seeming so innocuous, resentful Yes’s betray no one but yourself.

As she grows, I want her to cultivate friendships with people who give and take, who compromise and see other points of view.   I want her to be confident enough to seek out genuine friendship.  I understand I still have a roll to play in teaching and modeling this type of friendship.

Honey – I love that you’re kind and sweet and thoughtful.  Other people love that too, and I'm positive you will know many friends in your life.  Please pursue deep friendships, even when they take time, that are built in truth and love.  I hope you will understand, even when it’s hard, the nicest thing you can do for a friend (including yourself) is to be brave enough to be honest, especially if that means saying No.